Without You (Idol Mini season Week 3)

[tigrkittn]

 
Age 4:

Getting downstairs was easy. Then I put the coins in the vending machine and the quart of milk popped out at the bottom. I had to ask for help getting home though, because our apartment was on the twelfth floor and I couldn't reach the  elevator button. 

Age 9: 

I don't like taking the bus to where Mom works. It's two towns over, and the bus goes through the VA hospital and a lot of old men get on just to take a ride and I'm scared of them. I don't want them sitting next to me but sometimes they do. But I have to do it because I need a haircut and Mom wants me to go to the shop near her office because they know her there. Other times I have to meet her there for some other reason, and the bus is the only way. So I try to look tough, like don't mess with me. People always say I look sweet and cute though. I'll keep trying. 

Age 13: 

I convince my parents to let me skip out on the family beach vacation and stay home alone. They convince me that having the teenager next door "check on me at night" isn't the same as being babysat. I go with her to her job babysitting two little kids down the street, and she introduces me to Saturday Night Live. 

Age 21: 

College graduation seems like making a big deal over nothing, and I tell all my parents and step-parents not to come. It's only an accomplishment to celebrate if it's difficult, if there was some doubt I could achieve it. Why do they want to drive six hours to sit in a giant, hot, crowded stadium to watch me walk across a stage for three seconds? So stupid. I might not even go. 

I go, and don't mind at all that nobody is there cheering for me. Mom mails me a Congratulations Graduate card  and writes on the inside, "Don't tell anyone I said this, but I'm proud of you." Weird.

Age 37:

"Oh hell no - no wedding, no dress, no cake, none of that. I don't want a bunch of people staring at me and making a fuss. We're going to go to Vegas, do an Elvis drive-through or something, do a little gambling and come home. No big deal."

Age 55:

I read with detachment (and the curiosity of a former psych major) about the effect that social isolation caused by Covid-19 is having on people. I miss my visits with off_fleek_geek but other than that I'm perfectly content working remotely, having groceries delivered, not running errands or going to stores or restaurants (ok I kind of miss restaurants - but for the physical experience, not being out around other people), and not seeing anyone in person other than my husband. I don't really have any friends anyway. I could do this indefinitely. 

Age 59:

"I never thought I'd end up in a therapist's office, but ta-daaa, here I am. Just getting introspective in my old age, I guess, haha."

"And what made you decide to take the leap and meet with me? You mentioned your mother had moved nearby and you're seeing her a lot more than you have in recent years?"

"She did, and we are, but it's fine. There's always room for one more little thing, one more errand, it's no biggie. And once in a while she can't get up from a fall, usually at night, so she'll call me to come help. But I'm done working by that time, so it's fine. It's why we convinced her to move here."

"That's all fine? You're sure? Ok... then what did bring you in today?"

"I've just been thinking - other than my husband and literally one other person, I don't seem to form close relationships. Not like other people I know who have friend groups and big social circles, and BFFs they've known for decades. And I have no idea why."

Comments

[muchtooarrogant]

I liked the different ages you used to organize this entry, and kept trying to guess when the next stopping point would occur. I was usually wrong though. (grin)

I promise, I'm not trying to be critical at all, but that's an interesting reason to see a therapist. I myself have never been a member of any large friend groups and also have very few close friends. I just figured that was how I was built. :)

Great entry, I'm often a sucker for a little self-contemplation.

Dan

[mollywheezy]

Thank you for sharing your story! When Covid-19 isolation began, I was an essential employee, so my work load shot up and got crazier than ever. My husband was working form home for the first time ever, and when I would get home from work, he would meet me at the car in the garage because he was so lonely. As extroverts, neither of us does well with isolation. ;)

[fausts_dream]

This is quite a timeline, thanks for giving us this glimpse into your life.

[erulissedances]

I also tend to be a person central to myself - not reaching out much more than that. Fortunately (or not) I married a man whose older sister had eight children, and they won't allow me to sit on the sidelines. They pull me into their lives and the lives of their children, and it's all that keeps me from being pleasantly isolated in my own ivory tower.

Some people are comfortable making hundreds of friends, some are not. I'm not, and I suspect you also are not.

- Erulisse (one L)

[reidharriscooper]

The Covid-19 situation of your story and how it was the reason my entry this week hit like bricks. Sometimes I considr therapy but I want friends... not a therapist. I hope it works for you in the ways you hope as you reflect on everything.

[tigrkittn]

I don't really want either LOL Just want to make sure there's not something really wrong with me for not having any. Also it might get complicated when I get old if I get sick or something. They say people with good social connections live longer, and I've got lots of plans, need to live a long long time.

[halfshellvenus]

These all strike me as being adventures in independence as well as in isolation, and they are all too familiar to me-- right down to the college graduation that _I_ didn't even attend.

This also seems to be the story of someone who is introverted, and I think that's only a problem if you want to have more close relationships but struggle to make that happen. Introversion isn't bad or wrong, it's just different from how most people seem to be. Though try telling that to extroverts!

[tigrkittn]

I'm unbelievably introverted, but that just means social interactions drain me rather than recharge me, and I recharge in quiet and solitude. So many social introverts think they must be "partly extroverted" or ambiverts because they don't want to be hermits. Few of us can have a healthy happy life without some kind of human connections - they've proven that it's a strong factor in how long we live. Isolated people die sooner, and I've got too much to do, I need to live to 100+!

[halfshellvenus]

I used to be the type of introvert who was drained by social interactions-- even with my own family. That's isn't really true anymore, but I very much remember when it was.

My younger sister, who is a major extrovert, once used that behavior as a reason she thinks I'm On The Spectrum. And who knows, I might be. But her saying that really shocked me. I just said, "Wow, you really don't understand introverts at ALL!"

[drippedonpaper]

Hugs. Of course, listen to your therapists, but remember, different doesn't mean "wrong."

You understand what you do and don't need. It's big to even notice and understand what works for you.

That's the first step if you want a change (not saying you have to change.)

One step at a time ...that's the only way anything seems to change.

[rayaso]

I enjoyed how you organized this. Introversion is something a lot of people don't understand and sometimes confuse it with shyness, although the two can certainly co-exist.

[pixiebelle]

You told the story well. So much to read between the lines. I’ve been a perpetual people pleaser, it’s always “fine”. Until recently, I didn’t really have any real life friends - and I never understood why. I think I just found a few people who are like me and we get each other.

Well done. I hope therapy helps you.

Oh and I also said the same about my graduations. I skipped my grad school one, I didn’t even ask my husband at the time to attend. I could relate to that.

[chasing_silver]

An interesting glimpse! Thank you!

[author_by_night]

Thank you for sharing this!

I'm similar, I think, in that I don't need a lot of social interaction - but it's more of a battle? I actually really like being around people, but they wear me out. I also don't like being fussed over.

[tigrkittn]

The world is not designed for introverts!

[roina_arwen]

I’m only a few years behind you (56) so I get this. I’m a moderately extroverted introvert. I don’t mind people if I’m familiar with them (work friends) but I also enjoy my alone time.

I totally relate to this: So I try to look tough, like don't mess with me. People always say I look sweet and cute though. I'll keep trying.

[adoptedwriter]

"Peopling" is hard work at every age. This depicts that so well!

[oxymoron67]

It's odd... I have a lot of people I would call friends, but I'm not close to all that many of them. So, I get where you're coming from, though from a different angle.

[n3m3sis43]

Oh man. This is so relatable. Hugs from one hermit to another.

[murielle]

This is me! Covid did me the biggest favour it allowed me to be as isolated as I want and yet meet all my needs. I like people, love people, but alone time is my favourite.

Thank you! ❤❤