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"Don't go blindly through life! Let me use the power of the tarot to show you the way. Call me now for your free reading!" implored a light-skinned black woman with a mediocre Jamaican accent, cards spread before her on the table.

Bonnie took two long strides across the room and flipped the TV switch to OFF before the announcer could insist she "Call 1-800-355-3765." She rolled her eyes and grumbled, then took a deep breath. It was a shame really – "Cleo" could have done so much more with her life, and karma... well, karma would have her way.

Her new client would be here any minute, so she lowered the lights, lit a few candles and a stick of incense, pulled shut the accordion-style door that hid her kitchen, and stepped into her shoes. For some reason unpolished toenails struck a note of inauthenticity with the public. So odd. She wondered momentarily what color Cleo had her toenails painted, then let it go.

The knock on her front door was firm, almost aggressive. She peeked around the curtain and noted the large, two-tone Ford pickup directly in the center of her driveway. It was getting dark, and the neon OPEN sign toward the front of her shaggy lawn was flickering a bit. She'd have to check into that. 

Before he could knock again, Bonnie opened the front door with a bright welcoming smile on her face. "Mr. Walters? Such a pleasure to meet you. Please come in." He did, a mix of caution and menace in his aura. She took charge immediately, to make sure he didn't get the idea that he could.

"Sit." She indicated the chair directly across from hers – smaller and less plushly comfortable, but that wouldn't do him any harm. "Tell me why you are here."

"Don't you already know? You're supposed to be the psychic! Har har!" He brayed with laughter, but the insincerity in it made her wince. 

"I have mystical skills and knowledge of the arcane, but only God knows all. What is it you seek here?"

"I heard...they say you can do stuff. Magic stuff." The man paused uncomfortably, as though realizing he was still not answering her question, and not wanting to irritate her so much she'd throw him out, because there was something he wanted that possibly only she could provide. If even she could.

Bonnie sat regally in her chair, back straight, holding his gaze but saying nothing. She nodded almost imperceptibly. 

"I want... I need something to keep my kids with me. Like the... you know how the Mormons over in Utah marry a bunch of women and have a big bunch of kids and they're supposed to still be together when they get to heaven? They call it sealed. They're sealed to each other like glue."

"I have heard of this. You could become a Mormon." 

"Well," he drawled, "that there's the problem. I'm pretty sure heaven's not where I'm going. And I don't know what the other place is like but I don't wanna be hanging out with a bunch of druggies and criminals and creepers for all eternity. I wanna be with my family. I want them sealed to me like glue. They're mine. I created them. They came from me and I want them to stay with me forever."

Walters was sitting completely still, other than his eyes, which shifted their gaze back and forth between her and the room behind her. He'd given up trying to hide his anxiety. That was good. 

"Mr. Walters, sir – of course you wish your family to stay close to you! But what you are asking... committing your sweet young children to following you into eternal damnation – is this really what you want?"

She felt as much as saw the anxiety leave him and a stubborn belligerence take its place. She'd unintentionally goaded him into digging in his heels, and cursed her own need to question him, to give him the chance to take back what he'd said. 

What he was saying was outrageous. Apart from whether or not it was possible, just the thought – his desire – was horrific. Bonnie's mind spun, knowing she had to play along. She had to provide the answer he was looking for, because if she turned him away he might go to someone else. He might do something worse.

It was time for a tactic she had never had to resort to before – something she kept in her back pocket as a "just in case" plan. Were the circumstances less dire she would have felt guilty, but not today. Today she was going to pull a Cleo.

She stood. "Well then, Mr. Walters. That is a powerful spell you are requesting. I have never heard tale of such a thing being done – perhaps all those who tried before have failed."

"Maybe you just ain't in the loop," he muttered with a smirk. "Maybe I should find another witch."

"'Ain't in the loop,' you say? Sir, I come from one hundred generations of pure Romani blood. I know all. I see all." She hoped he was too rattled to remember the beginning of their conversation when she asked why he had come. "The magical world is a small, close family without secrets. But we are a proud people too, proud of our power and our abilities to assist those such as yourself. If someone had ever done what you ask, I would know."

She moved to the workbench and began to sort through boxes and jars and dozens of ingredients contained in the small built-in drawers below. "But you have come to the right place. Because all the power of my foremothers rests in my hands, and my own on top of that, and if anyone in the world can give you what you ask, it is I."

Walters' eyes had glazed over as he focused on her words, so she wrapped a pebble of rose quartz in a cloth and smashed it loudly with a mallet. He startled and she smiled slightly to herself. "When this concoction is done, you will take it home and place it under the bed of each family member for no less than twenty-four hours. You will then apply it to your third eye"—she touched the middle of her forehead as she said this—"your throat, your heart, and your solar plexus. You will do this for seven days."

As Bonnie spoke she gathered and mashed ingredients – the rose quartz powder, lavender, honey, cinnamon, lemon oil, dried garlic, and salt. She whisked them all together in a bowl and then poured the concoction into a blue glass bottle and stoppered the top with a cork. She returned to the table, where Walters was sitting quietly, gazing at her with anticipation and awe. She swirled the bottle, held it out toward him and then pulled it back. 

"This here is powerful, powerful magic – you can change your mind any time before the seventh day of anointing."

He shook his head hard. "I won't." He wanted that bottle so badly he was practically drooling. 

Bonnie reclaimed her chair, keeping the bottle on the table close to her, and wrote a very large number on a clean piece of note paper. She slid the paper to Walters with a meaningful look. He met her eyes for a moment, alarmed, then dug a worn leather wallet out of his back pocket. He peeled a few bills off the thick stack, returned them to the billfold, and handed the rest to her. She counted them, quickly but carefully, and slid the bottle across the table.

After Walters mumbled his thanks and skittered out the door, Bonnie kicked off her shoes, turned the TV back on, and settled into her recliner. "Darkness cannot drive out darkness," she spoke aloud to the empty room. "Only light can do that."

tigrkittn: (Default)
Marriage is like a grown-up version of Choose Your Own Adventure. 

Even if you feel like finding and choosing each other was predestined, the rest of it isn't. Sliding that ring on your finger is nothing like pulling down the security bar on a roller coaster seat - ready for wild and exciting ups and downs, good times and bad, that are carefully planned out for you in advance. 

Oh hell no. 

Every single day could theoretically go a hundred different ways - but most won't, and after a while you'll find that they're varying tones and shades of the same color - a color you and your partner jointly chose to paint your life together.

A friend once told me a story about her wedding day. She was in the bridal suite getting ready, and her best friend sat down with an actual literal pad and pen and said, "OK, you need to make the list now."

"What list?"

"The list of things you want to change about him."

"I...don't want to change anything about him. I like him the way he is -  that's why I'm marrying him."

Her friend was sincerely confused. Because "change him into the person you want" is the color she thought marriage was. And she's certainly not alone. A lot of women - and maybe some men - follow this same philosophy. 

So you go into the marriage with a plan: a plan to change him. 

Whatever he does or says or doesn't do, you automatically run a mental check on - "Is this ok? Is this what I want him to do/say/think? Or do I need to shift him in another direction?" Because when you're hammer, everything looks like a nail.  

"When's the last time you went to the gym? You're getting a beer belly."
"What if we didn't go to your mom's house for dinner every Friday?"
"You look so much better in blue, I bought you some new shirts and donated those nasty gray ones."
"Here, eat some veggies instead of another hot dog."
"Have you ever thought about playing golf or tennis? I've heard that's where all the good business deals are made."

Your marriage becomes a puzzle - or a battlefield. Points to score, wins to gain. You paint your life battleship gray. 

What if, instead, you chose to seek out everything that's already good and right - even just a little bit? Find the happy silver lining in every cloud?

What if you decided every day should be an adventure - challenge each other to take fun risks, go somewhere you've never been, do or eat or read or wear something new? What would your life together look like then?

What if you decided to paint it the color of silliness, or appreciation, or kindness?

After doing any of those things for a while, your life looks different. You feel different. You respond differently to situations. Your partner is a slightly different person than they were when you started out. 

You can even try one way for a while and then try something else, like painting a yellow room green - maybe you'll like it, maybe you'll change it back. It's ok to change your mind. It's fun to try new things! 

But whether through action or inaction, your marriage - your life - is a reflection of the choices you make along the way--just as colors are created by the reflection of the light. 
tigrkittn: (Default)
Oubaitori (桜梅桃李) is an ancient Japanese idiom that comes from the kanji characters for the four trees that bloom in the spring: cherry, plum, peach, and apricot. Each flower blooms at its own time, and the idiom conveys the idea that people grow and bloom at their own pace. It serves as a reminder to focus on one's own growth and development, rather than comparing oneself to others.
 
 
SPRING: 
"Mom, you are not taking me seriously." I could see her trying to hold in a smile, which made me even madder. 
 
"I'm taking you very seriously, Maggie munchkin." Now she did smile. "But I guarantee you are not the last fourteen-year-old on the planet without a boyfriend."
 
"Well I'm the only one I know." I crossed my arms in front of me and made the sulkiest possible face. "Is it so much to ask to want my own mother to have a little sympathy for my humiliation? Everyone at school is probably laughing their asses off at what a loser I am."
 
"You can't be worried about what other people think about your life." She leaned in with her face comically squinched up and a finger raised for emphasis. "The only opinion that matters is your own."
 
I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt. "That's stupid."
 
SUMMER:
My maid of honor fluffed my veil and bit her lips to hold back tears. She had  always been a mush, crying at the drop of a hat. 
 
I passed her a tissue box. "Would you fucking stop that? If anyone should be crying about this it's me!" That was more true than Tasha knew, and for a totally different reason than she thought—but I wasn't going to explain, not even to my best friend.
 
"I can't help it. You look like a fucking fairy tale. Which makes sense since you're about to get hitched to Prince Charming till death do you part." 
 
Of course she meant that in a good way, but the idea of spending the next fifty years with Brad made me ill. He might look like Prince Charming, in a very well-bred, chiseled, Ivy-League sort of way. But he didn't reveal his real self around my friends. He was polite and jovial and considerate in a studied way that actually kind of spooked me. Like he was two different people.
 
This is your dream, I reminded myself. It was all I'd ever wanted—someone to love me. Someone to belong with. To be part of a couple, to have a partner to share life's joys and challenges. If not Brad, then who? I was 24 years old—not a kid anymore. My friends were already married and having families. What if this was my last chance? What if Brad was the only one who ever asked? Marriage to him might be challenging, but better than being alone forever—a failure, a laughingstock.
 
AUTUMN: 
I carefully fit the cardboard backing into the picture frame and flipped it over. Hanging it on the nail I'd pounded into the wall beside my front door—with my own hammer, my own box of nails, from the little gray toolbox I'd decorated with colorful stickers—felt like a declaration of freedom. 
 
Displaying my divorce decree—the final page with signatures, of course—prominently in a fancy frame, instead of burying it in a file cabinet in a dark corner somewhere, felt like a slightly childish act of defiance, but I didn't care. If my friends thought it was inappropriate, maybe I needed some new friends. Tasha would approve. The kids would laugh—grown now and making their own choices, they didn't like their father much more than I did. Becka and Mark were both warm and free-spirited, with a level of emotional intelligence that hadn't come from either of their parents. I don't know where they got it from but I was grateful, because they had raised me as much as I had them, and I was so much better for it. 
 
The townhouse was a new construction. Pristine. Untouched. It smelled of fresh paint and lemon oil. Within the bounds of its frame and floorplan, it was a clean slate, to do with as I wished—just like my life. I needed no one's permission. I was done putting everyone else's opinion ahead of my own. 
 
It was my turn. 
 
WINTER:
I awake to the smell of coffee and the raised voices and laughter of a friendly argument in progress. The other side of my bed is empty; I slide my hand across the cool sheets and wonder idly if Riley would be back or if I should get up and investigate the kitchen ruckus. My rumbling tummy decides for me, and I pull on a flowy kimono and slip into the bathroom. After splashing water on my face, I pat my skin dry with a towel and smile into the mirror in wonder. It's like looking at pictures of your friends when they were children—but in reverse. 
 
The generous amount of silver "wisdom sparkles" in my hair make me laugh out loud as I turn this way and that to check out different angles in the light. I resolve once again never to dye them. The laugh brings out every crinkle around my eyes and mouth. I'm proud of those crinkles—evidence of years of joy. 
 
I pad down the stairs to find the kitchen full of food and people. The argument turns out to be about which variation of the Munchkin card game is the best. Riley hands me a plate full of eggs and turkey bacon and toast, and a mug of coffee, and I settle into my favorite seat at the end of the long table, where I can see the whole room. Jody hugs everyone before leaving for work. Sara and Kim decide that second breakfast is better justified if they take a nap first, and drift back to their room. 
 
Riley refills our coffee cups and takes a seat at the table. We survey the chaos—the dishes, the piles of books, the clutter, the dog toys—and grin at each other. "You ever worry about bringing people over here, or what our parents would think if they could see how we live?" they ask.
 
"Nope, I don't give a rat's ass. I love this life. I love this house and the people in it. I even love the mess. I've got way better things to do with my time than worry about what anyone else thinks of me."
tigrkittn: (Default)
Did anyone notice???

The house makes no sense.

When Sarah and Charlie walk in, Charlie yells up the stairwell to see if there are any bats and murderers or vampires or whatnot. That stairwell is on a hallway - go to the end, turn left and go to the end again, and there's a door with a flight of stairs leading to the attic. 

Huh?

I noticed this after the story was mostly polished up and I didn't want to have to rethink it all or take away Charlie's silly line. So I left them both and wondered if anyone would say anything. 

No one did
tigrkittn: (Default)
 I prefer to be at least a little subtle with Idol prompts. I want them clearly identifiable, but as an "aha!" peeking out from the middle of the piece, not dropped on the reader's head like a brick. And yet. 

And yet perhaps this is one of the many ways in which I myself am a gloriously damaged soul. I say gloriously because I've reached an age where I have lost all shame, all desire to hide pieces of myself in fear of the disapproval or dislike of others. I say damaged because who among us is not? Often our damage, our flaws, our brokenness is what most clearly distinguishes us from the flat, dull grayness that is "most people."

When I was eight or ten I announced to my family that I would never be having children. Probably Grandma (I do remember this happened at her house) had said something about "when you have little ones of your own." 

My mother wailed, "What on earth did I do to make you think being a parent is so terrible?" But that wasn't it at all. They misunderstood. My fault - I had skipped over cause and gone right to effect. 

I would never have children because nobody would ever love me. At so young an age it didn't occur to me that I could have children without a husband - babies were made by mommies and daddies together, after all. And it was a clear and obvious fact that I would spend my life alone. 

Obvious to me, at least. The message had been made quite clear. Always.

I hope my mother doesn't have any memory of this. There's so much she doesn't remember these days, and so much we remember completely differently. As she enters her twilight years, I don't want to be the cause of anything that brings her sorrow or regret for things that can't be unsaid, undone. 

She did the best she could. That's all any of us can do. It's our one shared trait, universal amongst humans: our imperfection. We all fail. We're all broken.

And there can be beauty in that brokenness. Some turn theirs into righteous anger, others into determination to create change, others into art.

And some into love.

I do, in fact, have love in my life now after all. And determination, and occasionally things I like to think are art. Also cats. No children. 

And no regrets.
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