Without You (Idol Mini season Week 3)

[tigrkittn]

 
Age 4:

Getting downstairs was easy. Then I put the coins in the vending machine and the quart of milk popped out at the bottom. I had to ask for help getting home though, because our apartment was on the twelfth floor and I couldn't reach the  elevator button. 

Age 9: 

I don't like taking the bus to where Mom works. It's two towns over, and the bus goes through the VA hospital and a lot of old men get on just to take a ride and I'm scared of them. I don't want them sitting next to me but sometimes they do. But I have to do it because I need a haircut and Mom wants me to go to the shop near her office because they know her there. Other times I have to meet her there for some other reason, and the bus is the only way. So I try to look tough, like don't mess with me. People always say I look sweet and cute though. I'll keep trying. 

Age 13: 

I convince my parents to let me skip out on the family beach vacation and stay home alone. They convince me that having the teenager next door "check on me at night" isn't the same as being babysat. I go with her to her job babysitting two little kids down the street, and she introduces me to Saturday Night Live. 

Age 21: 

College graduation seems like making a big deal over nothing, and I tell all my parents and step-parents not to come. It's only an accomplishment to celebrate if it's difficult, if there was some doubt I could achieve it. Why do they want to drive six hours to sit in a giant, hot, crowded stadium to watch me walk across a stage for three seconds? So stupid. I might not even go. 

I go, and don't mind at all that nobody is there cheering for me. Mom mails me a Congratulations Graduate card  and writes on the inside, "Don't tell anyone I said this, but I'm proud of you." Weird.

Age 37:

"Oh hell no - no wedding, no dress, no cake, none of that. I don't want a bunch of people staring at me and making a fuss. We're going to go to Vegas, do an Elvis drive-through or something, do a little gambling and come home. No big deal."

Age 55:

I read with detachment (and the curiosity of a former psych major) about the effect that social isolation caused by Covid-19 is having on people. I miss my visits with off_fleek_geek but other than that I'm perfectly content working remotely, having groceries delivered, not running errands or going to stores or restaurants (ok I kind of miss restaurants - but for the physical experience, not being out around other people), and not seeing anyone in person other than my husband. I don't really have any friends anyway. I could do this indefinitely. 

Age 59:

"I never thought I'd end up in a therapist's office, but ta-daaa, here I am. Just getting introspective in my old age, I guess, haha."

"And what made you decide to take the leap and meet with me? You mentioned your mother had moved nearby and you're seeing her a lot more than you have in recent years?"

"She did, and we are, but it's fine. There's always room for one more little thing, one more errand, it's no biggie. And once in a while she can't get up from a fall, usually at night, so she'll call me to come help. But I'm done working by that time, so it's fine. It's why we convinced her to move here."

"That's all fine? You're sure? Ok... then what did bring you in today?"

"I've just been thinking - other than my husband and literally one other person, I don't seem to form close relationships. Not like other people I know who have friend groups and big social circles, and BFFs they've known for decades. And I have no idea why."