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Idol Mini Week 6 - The Path is Made by Walking
Marriage is like a grown-up version of Choose Your Own Adventure.
Even if you feel like finding and choosing each other was predestined, the rest of it isn't. Sliding that ring on your finger is nothing like pulling down the security bar on a roller coaster seat - ready for wild and exciting ups and downs, good times and bad, that are carefully planned out for you in advance.
Oh hell no.
Every single day could theoretically go a hundred different ways - but most won't, and after a while you'll find that they're varying tones and shades of the same color - a color you and your partner jointly chose to paint your life together.
A friend once told me a story about her wedding day. She was in the bridal suite getting ready, and her best friend sat down with an actual literal pad and pen and said, "OK, you need to make the list now."
"What list?"
"The list of things you want to change about him."
"I...don't want to change anything about him. I like him the way he is - that's why I'm marrying him."
Her friend was sincerely confused. Because "change him into the person you want" is the color she thought marriage was. And she's certainly not alone. A lot of women - and maybe some men - follow this same philosophy.
So you go into the marriage with a plan: a plan to change him.
Whatever he does or says or doesn't do, you automatically run a mental check on - "Is this ok? Is this what I want him to do/say/think? Or do I need to shift him in another direction?" Because when you're hammer, everything looks like a nail.
"When's the last time you went to the gym? You're getting a beer belly."
"What if we didn't go to your mom's house for dinner every Friday?"
"You look so much better in blue, I bought you some new shirts and donated those nasty gray ones."
"Here, eat some veggies instead of another hot dog."
"Have you ever thought about playing golf or tennis? I've heard that's where all the good business deals are made."
Your marriage becomes a puzzle - or a battlefield. Points to score, wins to gain. You paint your life battleship gray.
What if, instead, you chose to seek out everything that's already good and right - even just a little bit? Find the happy silver lining in every cloud?
What if you decided every day should be an adventure - challenge each other to take fun risks, go somewhere you've never been, do or eat or read or wear something new? What would your life together look like then?
What if you decided to paint it the color of silliness, or appreciation, or kindness?
After doing any of those things for a while, your life looks different. You feel different. You respond differently to situations. Your partner is a slightly different person than they were when you started out.
You can even try one way for a while and then try something else, like painting a yellow room green - maybe you'll like it, maybe you'll change it back. It's ok to change your mind. It's fun to try new things!
But whether through action or inaction, your marriage - your life - is a reflection of the choices you make along the way--just as colors are created by the reflection of the light.
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