Idol Mini Week 6 - The Path is Made by Walking

[tigrkittn]

Marriage is like a grown-up version of Choose Your Own Adventure. 

Even if you feel like finding and choosing each other was predestined, the rest of it isn't. Sliding that ring on your finger is nothing like pulling down the security bar on a roller coaster seat - ready for wild and exciting ups and downs, good times and bad, that are carefully planned out for you in advance. 

Oh hell no. 

Every single day could theoretically go a hundred different ways - but most won't, and after a while you'll find that they're varying tones and shades of the same color - a color you and your partner jointly chose to paint your life together.

A friend once told me a story about her wedding day. She was in the bridal suite getting ready, and her best friend sat down with an actual literal pad and pen and said, "OK, you need to make the list now."

"What list?"

"The list of things you want to change about him."

"I...don't want to change anything about him. I like him the way he is -  that's why I'm marrying him."

Her friend was sincerely confused. Because "change him into the person you want" is the color she thought marriage was. And she's certainly not alone. A lot of women - and maybe some men - follow this same philosophy. 

So you go into the marriage with a plan: a plan to change him. 

Whatever he does or says or doesn't do, you automatically run a mental check on - "Is this ok? Is this what I want him to do/say/think? Or do I need to shift him in another direction?" Because when you're hammer, everything looks like a nail.  

"When's the last time you went to the gym? You're getting a beer belly."

"What if we didn't go to your mom's house for dinner every Friday?"

"You look so much better in blue, I bought you some new shirts and donated those nasty gray ones."

"Here, eat some veggies instead of another hot dog."

"Have you ever thought about playing golf or tennis? I've heard that's where all the good business deals are made."

Your marriage becomes a puzzle - or a battlefield. Points to score, wins to gain. You paint your life battleship gray. 

What if, instead, you chose to seek out everything that's already good and right - even just a little bit? Find the happy silver lining in every cloud?

What if you decided every day should be an adventure - challenge each other to take fun risks, go somewhere you've never been, do or eat or read or wear something new? What would your life together look like then?

What if you decided to paint it the color of silliness, or appreciation, or kindness?

After doing any of those things for a while, your life looks different. You feel different. You respond differently to situations. Your partner is a slightly different person than they were when you started out. 

You can even try one way for a while and then try something else, like painting a yellow room green - maybe you'll like it, maybe you'll change it back. It's ok to change your mind. It's fun to try new things! 

But whether through action or inaction, your marriage - your life - is a reflection of the choices you make along the way--just as colors are created by the reflection of the light. 

Comments

[author_by_night]

These are good points.

[muchtooarrogant]

Nicely expressed! The way I think of marriage is that it's one of those things that defies a logical description because the more you put in, the more you get back.

LOL at the story of the friend with a pad. All too common.

Dan

[erulissedances]

"What if you decided every day should be an adventure - challenge each other to take fun risks, go somewhere you've never been, do or eat or read or wear something new? What would your life together look like then?"

I loved the essay, but stumbled on this sentence. In order to have this come true, both partners in a relationship must agree to this adventure. I'm in a 45 year relationship and can truly say that we've never achieved this, although I would delight in it. Oh well, different people, right? *hugs*

- Erulisse (one L)

[tonithegreat]

Wow, the idea of writing things down to change on the wedding day is so crazy! It seems like one of those internet stories, “I found this list and now I’m leaving because clearly she didn’t ever love me. . .” I mean, don’t get me wrong- even today I tried to get my husband of 15 years to do some things that he didn’t get around to, but the tasks for a family of four are never ending. I don’t want to change the man, I just want to get more/different help some days. Phew. The wedding day was definitely more about listing things that are wonderful. People can be a conundrum.

[tigrkittn]

Definitely a true story (the list). For the record, she didn't make the list and they're still married 25 years later.

[aggienaut]

My fiancee, finally, after six long years, will be joining me here in ten days now!!!

While I obviously am extremely optimistic I must admit sometimes it seems almost like an arranged marriage arranged by ourselves -- most people go through gently escalating stages of spending ever more time together, becoming ever more entwined until, I imagine, the decision to get married at last is just a formality. In six years however we've spent two or three weeks in physical proximity -- I had asked her to marry me on the fourth day we spent together. I think we're both well aware that there's an endless amount of little things we don't know about each other that would only be figured out in person, but it's all a huge gambit, a wager, a leap of faith, that the big things we have in common, intelligent-competence-tempered-by-whimsy, a boldness for adventure and doing the right thing, and most of all empathy and kindness, will carry us through while we sort out all the little incidental things (:

[swirlsofpurple]

"Sliding that ring on your finger is nothing like pulling down the security bar on a roller coaster seat - ready for wild and exciting ups and downs, good times and bad, that are carefully planned out for you in advance."

Love this line.

I think it's ridiculous that some people go into a marriage with plans to change the other person.

[chasing_silver]

This is what I hope my marriage is!

[rayaso]

We just attended the wedding of one of our son's friends who has been his best friend since the second grade, so this is very timely. You make many excellent points. Marrying someone expecting to change him/her is doomed to failure. Some things are changeable (put the toilet seat down), but the fundamentals are not.

[tigrkittn]

And yet there's that old saying - something like "Women go into marriage thinking they can change the man, and men go into it thinking she'll never change, and they're both wrong."

[fausts_dream]

You are very wise and this is well done.

[tigrkittn]

Thank you very much!

[roina_arwen]

You definitely have some valid points here. Also, kudos for working in a topic from a previous season (11), "everything looks like a nail." (It may have been accidental, but there it is)

[tigrkittn]

I'm almost positive THIS is also a topic from a previous season, but I couldn't find it in my archives (haven't looked too hard yet though - should probably just ask Gary!)

[roina_arwen]

I believe you’re thinking of “Solvitur Ambulado” (it is solved by walking).

[tigrkittn]

Aha, you might be right...

[mollywheezy]

I loved your analogy of choosing a paint color with how marriage works. Great job! :)

[tigrkittn]

Thank you!

[inkstainedfingertips]

I love this relationship philosophy and I agree with you that your relationships are a reflection of the choices you make. You express your points here very eloquently and in a relatable way. Very enjoyable read.

[tigrkittn]

Thank you so much!

[halfshellvenus]

Because "change him into the person you want" is the color she thought marriage was.
Eeee. That does NOT sound like a formula for a good marriage.

I like your view that, when you're thinking about change, think about it as change for BOTH of you. Then it becomes an adventure you take together, rather than an exercise in nagging your spouse to be different. :O

[tigrkittn]

It's called "marriage" for a reason! Thanks for reading :)

[murielle]

I have never ascribed to the belief that you marry someone with the goal of changing them. I mean it's inevitable that marriage will change you and your partner as you grow together, but I am with you, it's not the goal.

❤

[adoptedwriter]

This is wonderful!

[static_abyss]

This is such a good way to look at a marriage. I've been witness to many failed marriages and some very good ones. And the good ones always have two people who are willing to try new things together and also appreciate their partner's strengths.